Monday, September 27, 2010

Real Estate Masturbation?!

I really, really reeeaaaaaallllllyyyy wish this was a joke. If it were a joke, I don't know if I would even post it as it is pretty gross and inappropriate. But this man in Minneapolis (shout out to my Minnesota family!) has decided to take his marketing campaign in a creative direction. Needless to say his target market is not anyone female or over the age of 14.



from the wonderful, Brad Zimmerman

Write World's Most Annoying Songs, Get a $2.9 Mil. NY Condo


If I hear "California Gurls" one more time I swear to God and all that's holy that I will take a hostage. My demands: remove Katy Perry's voice box. You know how they do that for dogs? Cruel to them but "Teenage Dream" is cruel to the human race. But apparently it doesn't matter if you shield your children from Sesame Street when Katy Perry came to visit Elmo because the "I kissed a Girl" singer is purchasing a $2.9 Million condo in Manhattan.



From our friends at Gawker.com

Education Sucks, Be a Professional Athlete Instead.


Dear Momma and Papa Chaff,

Thank you so much for spending upwards of 100K for my Bachelors Degree. That was awesome. However, let's be real. What were you thinking in making sure I got an education? You might as well have spent that money on a sex change operation and forced me to play basketball or football so I can be an absolute BAJILLIONAIRE!! Lesson #1. Me = sitting at my desk, typing on a laptop, debating between eating Top Ramen or Lean Cuisine Pizza tonight. Labron James = Deciding between a $49.5 Million Castle in south Florida or a $7.65 Million mansion on the water-front. Lesson #2. I spent four years in a bunkbed in college. Also, I lived in a house where I couldn't have alcohol (even after 21) and no boys allowed in our rooms. Labron James = nothing of the sort...Education-schmeducation.

Love,
Your daughter Alexandra

$49.5 Million mansion (before the downgrade to a measly $7.26 Million mansion):



The 'pee-on' downgrade house:






courtesy of deadspin.com!

Friday, September 24, 2010

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan



Dear Lilo,

No doubt you will never read this. I have strong doubts that the Lynwood Detention Center would allow you much social media time, buuuut if they did, I am sure you would be like, "man, what is Chaffee writing about?" But let's be honest, you are most likely still high off the nostril candy, but that's where I come in. Consider me your life coach. While many people most likely would not come to me for long term life advice, I'm a hell of a lot better than the Oompa Loompa that is your mother, or Mike the Situation in 20 years that is your father.

We may not have a lot on common. In fact, I think they only thing may be our double xx chromosomes. You have left little doubt to your gender after your several 'un-lady like' exits from motor vehicle on the sidewalk in front of many clubs. Needless to say, what happened to our little Lindsay Lohan we loved in Parent Trap? Remember when the villain, Meredith Blake, was trying to warm up to you (Hallie Parker / Annie James) cause she was going to be your new step-mom but she was actually a bitch? Let's recap her character; Meredith was portray as a self-obsessed, over indulged, spoiled brat...and she was the villain...I'm going to go ahead and hope that the on-set tutor that Disney hooked you up with educated you enough to make that connection.

QUICK FLASH FORWARD 10 YEARS: I Know Who Killed Me = Best movie EVER. Seriously, go watch it. It LITERALLY is the Parent Trap on crack cocaine (or whatever drug those crazy kids are doing these days). Lilo plays twin sisters (YES, both parts, much like in Parent Trap) except instead of one tomboy California girl and one classy British chicky, she plays one spoiled, suburban high school poet and one drug addicted stripper / prostitute. And the kicker is, when one twin losses an appendage, SO DOES THE OTHER!!! I know, it is JUST that awesome. So Lilo's arms and legs start falling off and she has to charge her prosthetic leg like an iPod nightly so it will work properly! Of course there is some crap about an abduction, family struggle, whatever. But the important part is that our little Lilo had several one legged love scenes. Ok, off track, let's get back!

But Linds, what has happened to you? It is time that you stop "expressing yourself" as a tortured, misunderstood soul, very similar to "Marilyn Monroe" (HER WORDS, NOT MINE). Last time I checked excessive cocaine, heroin and prescription drug use did not lead to artistic expression. In fact, you can check out A&E's Intervention for a crystal ball into your future.

How about a shift in the film choices such as, Linda Lovelace. Is playing the original porn actress who started in Deep Throat REALLY a good idea? Why not try barking up that money tree called Disney? They could do a movie where you can play some kind of weird Pixar robot/animal who is "addicted" to "candy" and a little lizard friend shows you the way by rehabilitating you in a place where they don't allow candy and you clean your act up and become a princess, or something.

OK, in conclusion: cocaine = bad, especially when being "randomly" tested everyday at 2pm. Orange = an unflattering color on anyone, especially your mothers skin. And finally never bite a gift horse in the mouth. Especially if that gift horse is a multi-billion dollar company that is slowly, but surely buying up planet Earth and its surrounding atmosphere.

Love,
your sober, non-drug addicted friend (Chaff)

p.s. You should also really look into getting a new lawyer.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Some Weeks are Just Easier Than Others

This weekend was a little tough to swallow. Huskies bit it big time, Seahawks returned to their loosing ways and the Mariners are simply a distant memory. I fell on this gem of a website and wanted to pass it a long. Consider this a gift from me, to you. You're welcome.

Introducing, Hungover Owls!



Move lovely photos found at http://www.hungoverowls.tumblr.com

Homes of the Crappy Reality Television World

Do you like really crappy reality television?! Well I do. And no one does it better than Bravo. I get a thrill form watching grown women toss table and use phrases such as, "prostitution-whore" (must say with New Jersey accent to do it justice). I fall in love with severally obsessive compulsive disorder afflicted house-flippers. I pretend that I know anything about food as chefs make glorified tomato basil soup and steal peoples pea puree. Here are a couple homes of the mentally unstable angles of the Bravo channel:


Jeff Lewis of 'Flipping Out' fame. You now can live in the infamous Valley Oak property that Jeff Lewis purchased for $1.7 million in 2007, and flipped to sell for $3.195 Million in 2008. Ifyou take a peak at the bottom, you can see the price history of this home which now sits at $2.495 Million.







Next up: Real Housewives of D.C., Mary Schmidt Amons Selling her McLean, VA Home. One of the 4,878 members of the Real Housewives sorority has decided to pack up and move em on out of this lovely home. While she maybe be one of the more emotionally stable individual housewives in Bravo history, she is still crazy enough to be on the show. Here's her home, which could be yours for $2,350,000









Want a little Southern Crazy? The Atlanta Housewives are just a whole bucket of mentally insane. One of our favorite narcissist is Atlanta Housewive, Sheree Whitefield (aka She' By Sheree) is either in, or at risk to losing her home due to foreclosure. After a bruuuuutal divorce to NFL player, Bob Whitfield, he lost the home as he fell behind in payments. Sheree listed the home originally at $2.85 Million, then went down to $2.4 Million, then the bank took it over and it is now listed at $959,000. OUCH.

Modern Mansions aka Modern homes I'm too dirt poor to own

Want to live in a mansion? Yeah me too. Want to live in a modern mansion? Yeah, whatever, sure. Well here are 10 modern mansions that don't suck too much. And hey, one is from Seattle which goes to show, once again, that Seattle is awesome. Oh yeah, and the Storm won the WNBA championship or whatever. Is that a thing? Anywho, here are your future homes my friends:

Belvedere, CA - $28.85 Million

This property sits on 1.2 acres and 7,900 square ft of space. 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms and also includes a separate guest house that contains an additional 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. And if that isn't awesome enough, you also have a full view of the Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco skyline and Mount Tamalpais on your 220 feet of shoreline.


Palm Beach, FL - $29,500,000

20,000 square feet. Need I say more? Now please, please tell me what the heck you do with 20,000 sq ft of living? Unless you say something in regards to the longest indoor slip-n-slide EVER, I'm not buying it. Well, it also sits on 200 ft of direct intracoastal frontage ad has 7 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms and a pool.


Chicago, IL - $2.5 Million

This may look like a little town house, but don't be fooled. This little guy contains 5,00 square ft of living space with 8 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. It also has a theater room, multiple decks and a 3 car garage.


Washington, D.C. - (No price given, and as Bob Chaffee says, "if there's no price, it's too expensive)

This puppy has 11,000 square ft of living space with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. But buyer beware, if you move to Washington DC you might be introduced to Tariq and Michaela Sahali, and no one wants that (for those of you that don't watch RHODC, just negate that last sentence)


Austin, TX - $1.595 Million

Austin is definitely the only good part in Texas, but since all of Texas knows this, the houses are pretty pricey. Cook in your amazing glass walled, gourmet kitchen, then check out your 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms in this 4,049 sq ft home. But if that is not enough space, just head outside since the freaking house sits on a 43,995 sq ft lot! If they aren't hunting on that freak of nature-sized 'yard' then I don't know what else you would do with that!


Honolulu, HI - $3.9 Million

Forget the actual house, this property sits right on the insanely gorgeous beaches of Honolulu. This house has a HUGE retractable skylight, 4 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms (so some people can double up if they want) and the house sits on a total of 5,406 sq ft. Not too shabby.


Miami, FL - $5,900,000

Located on Venetian Island (you know, that crazy island where the uber uber rich live), this home has multiple glass walls, soaring ceilings, and bay views. 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms and an infinity pool juuuust to remind people, "I have so much money that i don't need a normal pool, I need an INFINITY POOL!" Also, you can show off your yacht on your personal dock and boat lift and then drunkenly yell at people on your rooftop terrace.

Lincoln, MA - $3.986

Want 12.61 manicured acres bordering 100 acres of a natural conservation (aka, you'll never have crazy neighbors cause it's the LAW), yeah me too. This place also boasts a 25 yard indoor swimming pool, a hot tub and pool house that has a direct entrance to the main home and master suite. If visitors bore you easily, send them to the game room equipped with a full wet bar and 1,500 bottle whine closet along with a 12 seat movie theater, and a rooftop terrace with a second hot tub. The main house also has 6 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms and 14,000 sq ft to do whatever you want! Basically, you never have to hang out with your house guests when they are staying at your house!


Venice, CA - $1.49 Million

After everything else we have seen, this looks like your poor cousins house. Anywho, this 3 bedroom, 3 bath home in L.A. has a glass enclosed office space (which to me sounds like a fast way to cook yourself), rooftop deck and easy access to the farmers market and beach. (Yawn, where is the 12 seat theater?!)


Seattle, (Laurelhurst), WA - $7.788 Million

Yeay, Seattle! Check out this waterfront, Laurelhurst property. This house was built to party. Look at the freaking dock?! You can hitch up your boat, and you have a nice little party deck for easy access for swimming. The house has 4 bedrooms, 3 3/4 bathrooms, and a freaking ART GALLERY in the entryway. I mean, holy cow. The house is 8,080 sq ft and sits on a 10,396 sq ft lot.


Again, thanks to the folks are huffingtonpost.com for showing off these sweet houses!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

7 Sustainable Building Designs for your OCD, Environmentalist Friends

Huffingtonpost.com has offered us a true example for the Obsessive Compulsive members of the Pacific Northwest and of San Francisco. Below are '7 Sustainable Building Designs'. And I thought my front loading washer was 'green' enough.

Earth-Sheltered Homes - Your pet cows can eat your roof.

This house looks super-duper green, and it is. Walls and roof are created by the earth. And if you are a rockstar, your neighbors will love you finally as these homes are mega-sound proof. Also, you never need to pay a heating bill again as the earths insulation is like a really big earth-hug, straight out of a School House Rock video!


Passive Buildings - For your LA "look how green I am" couple.

The Passive Home is able to fit into almost any neighborhood with its modern architecture. Windows are oriented to take full advantage of the seasonal light. The home is built so that the walls can absorb the heat and hold it in during the day, and release to remain cool during the night. This home can slash energy use by 90%


Salvaged Materials - Oprah would definitely approve of this one

Do you see a old, broken picture frame? PICK IT UP!! Throw on a little glue and paint and suddenly you are the new Nate Berkus! It is kind of a bummer that the EPA estimates that 170 million tons of annual building construction, renovation and demolition-derived waste accounts for nearly 60% of the nations non-industrial, non-hazardous solid waste.


Earth Ships - for uber tree hugging nerds.

Built with old tires packed with dirt and other indigenous and recycled materials, this home is located in New Mexico and used as a prototype for the rebuilding in Haiti.


Natural Building Materials - Go to the woods and build a house.

Stay away from foam insulation and vinyl siding and go with the stuff that is right outside your window. Look at using adobe, bamboo, cod, papercrete, straw bale, slate, thatch, clay, and cedar shingles.


Recycled Materials - save your beer bottles

Many builders have started to get creative by using plastic PET bottles, beer bottles and airplanes. The home above, in Phoenix, AZ is called the 'Bone Home'. This home is built almost completely out of broken glass, bottle caps, corks, and license plates.


Hemp House Just incase you weren't stoned enough.

Pioneered in France and copied in the UK, the Euros have beat us yet again! The walls are made of THC-free mixture of hemp stalk and, lime and water. So no, if it caught on fire it would NOT be a great neighborhood party. Plus, they can't catch fire as the "hempcrete" is fire resistant as well as mold, termite and dry-rot resistant.

Monday, September 20, 2010

8 Things That Stop Being Cool After College


Much changes in life in our early 20's. Some changes are more important than others. The following 8 things seem to lose their 'cool-factors' once we graduate from our fond college days. Huffingtonpost.com has compiled this list in which I have added my own commentary.

Paid Volunteering for Clinical Research Trials

"Dude, I totally got paid $84 to hang out for, like, and hour". While this was once something to brag about now seems only necessary if you are living on the streets...

Mechanical Bull-Riding

Why did anyone ever think it was a good idea to get insanely drunk and then get on a spinning object? And no, girls, you did not look as hott as you thought.

Easy Mac

Fluorescent orange cheese powder was the food of the gods at 2am on a Thursday night. While Top Ramen / Cup-a-soup is still a viable lunch option at your works break room, the chunks of orange cheese that were unable to mix with the noodles doesn't seem as gourmet as it once was.

Stealing Other Peoples Food (KAPPAS!) / Stuff

You feel as though you hit a freakin gold mine when you opened up the mini-fridge to find left-overs from someone's trip to Chipotle, or an extra pizza from Make Your Own Pizza Friday (yes, I'm speaking to you Kappa Cows). It was cool for the ones who found, not so cool for those who lost. But if you do this post-college, it's a misdemeanor : not cool.

Dolphin / Animal House Posters

As for the Dolphins, thankfully I did not know, or have to live with, anyone that had one. This would prove to be a problem in our room, and obviously in that persons social life. As for the Animal House posters, we get it. It was a movie about a crazy frat. You like Whisky and think you too can chug an entire fifth, and you'll try. Oh you'll try.

Eating at Denny's

"And THEN we went to Denny's just off the Ave. It was like 4am and the waitresses totally hated us because we were sooooo drunk, hahaha" in college = super funny team adventure. In post college-life: Just another sad example on how you just might be an alcoholic.

Hacky Sack / FRISBY GOLF

Just incase you didn't know, hacky sack and frolf was never really cool...But post-college, it's REALLY not cool. You're welcome.

Smuggling Boos

In pre-21 days it seemed as though smuggling boos was as epic as Indiana Jones grabbing that skull in the temple. Now-a-days, it's a fast track invitation to participate in A&E's Intervention.