Friday, September 24, 2010

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan



Dear Lilo,

No doubt you will never read this. I have strong doubts that the Lynwood Detention Center would allow you much social media time, buuuut if they did, I am sure you would be like, "man, what is Chaffee writing about?" But let's be honest, you are most likely still high off the nostril candy, but that's where I come in. Consider me your life coach. While many people most likely would not come to me for long term life advice, I'm a hell of a lot better than the Oompa Loompa that is your mother, or Mike the Situation in 20 years that is your father.

We may not have a lot on common. In fact, I think they only thing may be our double xx chromosomes. You have left little doubt to your gender after your several 'un-lady like' exits from motor vehicle on the sidewalk in front of many clubs. Needless to say, what happened to our little Lindsay Lohan we loved in Parent Trap? Remember when the villain, Meredith Blake, was trying to warm up to you (Hallie Parker / Annie James) cause she was going to be your new step-mom but she was actually a bitch? Let's recap her character; Meredith was portray as a self-obsessed, over indulged, spoiled brat...and she was the villain...I'm going to go ahead and hope that the on-set tutor that Disney hooked you up with educated you enough to make that connection.

QUICK FLASH FORWARD 10 YEARS: I Know Who Killed Me = Best movie EVER. Seriously, go watch it. It LITERALLY is the Parent Trap on crack cocaine (or whatever drug those crazy kids are doing these days). Lilo plays twin sisters (YES, both parts, much like in Parent Trap) except instead of one tomboy California girl and one classy British chicky, she plays one spoiled, suburban high school poet and one drug addicted stripper / prostitute. And the kicker is, when one twin losses an appendage, SO DOES THE OTHER!!! I know, it is JUST that awesome. So Lilo's arms and legs start falling off and she has to charge her prosthetic leg like an iPod nightly so it will work properly! Of course there is some crap about an abduction, family struggle, whatever. But the important part is that our little Lilo had several one legged love scenes. Ok, off track, let's get back!

But Linds, what has happened to you? It is time that you stop "expressing yourself" as a tortured, misunderstood soul, very similar to "Marilyn Monroe" (HER WORDS, NOT MINE). Last time I checked excessive cocaine, heroin and prescription drug use did not lead to artistic expression. In fact, you can check out A&E's Intervention for a crystal ball into your future.

How about a shift in the film choices such as, Linda Lovelace. Is playing the original porn actress who started in Deep Throat REALLY a good idea? Why not try barking up that money tree called Disney? They could do a movie where you can play some kind of weird Pixar robot/animal who is "addicted" to "candy" and a little lizard friend shows you the way by rehabilitating you in a place where they don't allow candy and you clean your act up and become a princess, or something.

OK, in conclusion: cocaine = bad, especially when being "randomly" tested everyday at 2pm. Orange = an unflattering color on anyone, especially your mothers skin. And finally never bite a gift horse in the mouth. Especially if that gift horse is a multi-billion dollar company that is slowly, but surely buying up planet Earth and its surrounding atmosphere.

Love,
your sober, non-drug addicted friend (Chaff)

p.s. You should also really look into getting a new lawyer.

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