Monday, October 31, 2011

Best Halloween Costumes of 2011

It's hard to believe after a minimum of two days of straight celebration, today is actually Halloween. A bit anti-climactic, don't you think? Oh well, that doesn't keep me from applauding the best costumes of this year. While many leaned towards the obvious, and expected Charlie Sheen, Jersey Shore and / or any other train wreck in pop culture in 2011, these people went the extra mile. Of course, some are better than others, but you can't deny their creativity...


GUESS WHO!

This game was like crack to 8 year old Alex Chaffee. Well done ladies and gents, well done.


Upside down Beibers

K, I am not sure what this is all about, but I love it.


Janet Snakehole and Burt Macklin, FBI

And my personal favorite. If you are familiar with Parks and Recreation, then you get it. If you don't watch Parks and Rec, then you should so you can get this.


A certain politician that got in trouble...

Someone had to do it. While this costume is expected, I have to admit that the cell phone costume is a clever idea.


The National Debt

Depressing. In fact, it's a total mood killer at a party. Nothing spices up a Halloween shin-dig like facing the reality of our current economic state! All in all, though, clever.


The ghost of Netflix Past

Well, this just speaks for itself...Netflix is lucky I just recently got into streaming Breaking Bad,


CRAZY EYES!

Easy, topical, and everyone loves making fun of the crazies.


Honey Badger

Honey badger don't care, honey badger don't give a...


Twitter fail

Somehow the flying whale signifies a failure in connection with Twitter. I don't get it, but I like it.


These awesome photos were submitted to Huffingtonpost.com. Well done kids.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The BEST Engagement Photos Ever...

Nothing screams Quarter Life Crisis like the endless invites to engagement parties or Save-the-Dates that seem to prey on your mailbox like a mountain lion stalking its next meal. Don't get me wrong, the engagement photos are sweet, and since it's going to be your Facebook profile picture for the next year till you get hitched, they better be good! They all seem to run together, however. If the couple met in college, they will have some pictures on campus. There will be a minimum of three outfit changes for the gal. And sometimes there is a fun, random prop involved. Perhaps an umbrella, or a balloon, heck, why not throw a dog in the mix? Lot's of kissing and overall romantic-ness that will undoubtably leave you questioning every move you have ever made in your dating life.

But ALAS!!! I have found, literally, the greatest couple to have ever lived. Move over Adam and Eve, Marc Anthony and Cleopatra, Liz Lemon and Astronaut Mike Dexter! I give you Juliana and Ben and their EPIC engagement photos:

http://www.amandarynda.com/2011/08/zombie-engagement-photos/

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

6 Pumpkins That Make Me Feel Inferior

I have never been one for artistic creativity. Unless Martha Stuart's Living magazine has a step-by-step instruction manual on how to festively glitter a baby pumpkin, then I got nothin. The stress of carving pumpkins with others begins to overcome me and I commit to a standard smiling pumpkin. Lame. Then, I see pumpkins like the ones below, and I am seamlessly crushed, and turn to the Costco Grab Bag of fun-sized candy bars.

Hall n' Oats - Private Eye...


In Memoriam


Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, not Snakes on a Plane


Hop on the Magic School Bus with Miz Friz


Rick Astley



And My Personal Favorite...
Oregon Trail:

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Welcome Home: An Open Letter to Amanda Knox


The Dawgs are 4-1 with whispers they are creeping around the top 25, the Fall drinks have returned to Starbucks, and UW's own, Amanda Knox has been acquitted of murdered and returned home. All in all, Seattle is riding on quite a high right now. As I calmed down from my media-induced hysteria over Knox's new freedom, I began to put together a list of things Amanda Knox has missed in the past 4 years, including the closing of Tommy's on the Ave, but the introduction of Memo's and Fornos. All came to a roaring stop when I came upon this open letter that, in essence, kicked the crap out of any letter I could possibly use to inform Miss. Knox on the 'goings on'.

Written by another individual sharing the superior name of, "Alex", this letter is featured on Seattle Sportsnet (http://seattlesportsnet.com/author/seattlesportsnet/)



Hello, Amanda. We’re glad to have you back. Italy can have Kobe Bryant. He’s a dick. We’d rather have you here in America than that jerk.

Anyway, I’m here today to give you something. I know most people are trying to take from you now that you’re home. They want your time, your words, your story…they want a piece of Amanda Knox. I wager there aren’t too many folks out there giving you something with no strings attached. So I’ll try to start the trend.

What I’m here to give you today is knowledge. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Knowledge can be a very broad, ambiguous topic. So allow me to elaborate. I’m here to bequeath unto you my understanding of the past four years’ current events. These are things you absolutely need to know to catch up on the world around you. I’m not quite sure what life is like in Italian prison, but I imagine you weren’t nearly as well-informed as you should have been. I’d like to be your catcher-upper.


There’s really no need to for me to keep blabbing. Let’s just get right to it. I’ve done my best to summarize 48 months’ worth of material for you in one article. Here we go…

First, you’re going to want to delete your MySpace account. Don’t ask questions. Just do it.

Once that’s complete, feel free to replace one social networking account with another. Go to Twitter.com and register. Twitter wasn’t even alive when you left. Yet in just a couple years, it has become the biggest thing on the planet. It’s like one giant Facebook status update, except you only get 140 characters to use and people are incessantly bantering back and forth to one another. It sounds really stupid, and frankly, it kind of is stupid. What can you say. That’s just Twitter being Twitter.

Don’t check your Facebook until you’re in a very calm state. Unlike the rest of us, you’ll be forced to view about two-dozen platform changes all at once. If you knew how many people had bitched about each one of these alterations as they individually debuted over the years, you’d likely never go back to that site at all. There is some good news, however. You know all those uneducated friends you used to only be able to keep up with on MySpace? You can connect with one another on Facebook now! Enjoy that.

Do yourself a favor and avoid Glee. It’s a TV show that will steal your soul and keep you from ever having a social life on Tuesday nights.

While we’re at it, here are a few other things to avoid:

Twilight. Not the dusky time of day. The movie and book series. Avoid this at all costs. AT ALL COSTS!
Coldplay. I know. They were around when you left. But they still suck. I just thought you should know.
Starbucks. It’s a long story. We’ll get to that later.
Venoy Overton. You may remember him. He was a freshman back in 2007. Skinny guy, played on the UW basketball team. No matter what happens, don’t hang out with him. I’m trying to look out for your safety here. You do not want to get caught on that hot track. And this guy, he can be very persuasive.
Jersey Shore. It’s not a bad show. Quite entertaining, in fact. But Italy’s already scarred you once. No need to reopen fresh wounds.
Fashion has obviously changed quite a bit in your absence. You’re probably wondering where to begin with your wardrobe. I can help with that, too. Let me give you two words of advice: yoga pants. That’s right, yoga pants. Do not question my wisdom in this area. You will thank me.

You may be in need of a new cell phone. Thing is, everyone has “smart phones” now. When you left, smart phones were for special people. Now, though, everyone has a smart phone. Look, I’m not here to tell you what to do. But for God’s sake, if anyone offers you a Nokia smart phone, do not take it. You will end up wanting to shoot yourself most days. How do I know this? Well, let’s just say I panicked at the T-Mobile store.

Your iPod could use a few updates, I bet. You’ll probably gravitate towards the Katy Perrys (she’s new) of the world, but along the way you might notice something interesting. These days, every song sounds like a techno ripoff of the crap we used to listen to in the mid-Nineties. You know what I’m talking about. The “eun-sit eun-sit eun-sit” music. Black guys, white guys, black chicks, white chicks…they’re all making this music. It’s the weirdest thing. I keep waiting for Jack Johnson to come along and kill the fad, but that guy’s still probably trying to find a pair of shoes to wear. Not that I’m complaining. I kind of like these jams…

Funny story. We have a black president now. Barack Obama. He was a senator when you left. I don’t really concern myself with politics, but he seems like a cool dude. It’s like, as soon as Puff Daddy stopped telling us to “Rock the Vote,” we just decided to put a brother in office. The irony.

You missed the entire Jon and Kate Plus Eight saga. Congrats. You’re better off than the rest of us as a result.

Bad news: Michael Scott left The Office. Sorry. Someone had to tell you. I figured I’d take the bullet on that one.

Lil Wayne’s really popular now. So is the paraplegic dude from DeGrassi: The Next Generation. Yes, I’m trying to keep you up on the rap game. We don’t need you bumpin’ Mike Jones as you roll through the hood.

Speaking of the rap game, we’re going to need you to obtain some swag as soon as you can. Once you’ve achieved that, I’ll arrange for someone to teach you how to Dougie. You missed the Soulja Boy era, thankfully. And you’re kind of at the tail end of the Dougie phenomenon as it is. But it’s probably a good idea to learn how to Dougie, anyway. Everybody Dougie, ev-everybody Dougie. Except you. Until now.

You know that thing about Starbucks earlier? Yeah, well, they’re responsible for taking our basketball team. You may have noticed that the Sonics are gone. But here’s the thing. If you start wearing Sonics gear everywhere, they’ll be back soon enough. I know, I know. I said there were no strings attached with this article. There’s one. Get us back the Sonics. You can do it. You’re as big as Oprah right now (figuratively…). If the Sonics become one of your “favorite things,” they’ll find their way back to Seattle. Just a thought.

Besides the departure of our beloved Sonics, not much has changed on the sports landscape. We haven’t won anything of note while you’ve been away. You can pick up where you left off in your fanaticism. Just like old times. We wanted to make sure you had at least one sobering thing to provide comfort upon your return.

Although, the Husky football team did go to a bowl game last year. First time in nearly a decade. Behind the leadership of Jake Locker. Unbelievable, I know. You also missed an 0-12 season in there. The juxtaposition of those two polar opposites is absolutely mind-boggling.

Finally, I implore you to look out for bicycles when walking around Seattle. We have a new mayor. He will run your ass over on his Schwinn. And there will be no remorse for the casualty, either. Be careful, Amanda. It’s a dangerous world out there. And bikes are at the forefront of our destruction.

Thanks for being the Marty McFly to my Doc Brown. You’re all caught up on the past. Let’s get back to the future now.

Welcome home. Go Dawgs.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Dr. Tobias Funke vs. "Dr." Marcus Bachmann


Alas, I have returned to the blogging world. I am happy to report that I have actually been crazily busy, which is a good thing for Miss. Chaffee's bank account. However, I simply could not go another day without posting. As the presidential elections near, more and more candidates step forward, and as they step forward, they offer JEWELS of "wisdom" for educated individuals like ourselves. Jewels that allow us to say, "hey, anyone can truly run for president!". Growing up, my parents always told me that I can be anything I want to be, including President of the United States of America, and now that Michelle Bachmann is running, I know they were telling the truth.

For those of you who do not know Michelle Bachmann, she is a republican (which really doesn't matter. Heck, I love Meagan McCain) from Minnesota. She has officially bid to be the Republican candidate for the Presidency. Aside from the fact she claimed to have the "spirit" of John Wanye who is from her home town in Iowa. What she did not realize is that John Wayne was not, in fact, from her home town, but it was John Wayne GACY (the serial killer) who was actually from her town...yup. Anywho, her gem of a husband is a psychiatrist whose practice focuses heavily on the "correction" of homosexuality. That's right, they are going to pray the gay right out of ya! I'm pretty sure God is laughing hysterically at this. So, when someone has extremely close minded and naive ideas of homosexuality, it really only means one thing: He's Gay.

So today, I stumbled upon this amazing comparison. Dr. Tobias Funke, from Arrested Development, is an ex-psychiatrist who is puzzled own his own sexuality. He provides some fantastic quotations that leave you asking, "wait, what is he talking about?". So here is "Dr." Marcus Bachmann delivering some of Dr. Tobias Funke's best lines.







Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Father's Day


This weekend is the annual celebration of our fathers. Happy Father's Day to my pops. And I'm serious when I say, 'thank you'. The whole diaper situation must have sucked, especially when mom refused to ever change one. "Oh my gosh, Bob, it's amazing. They don't need a change all day until you get home!". And raising two daughters can't be super easy. I think all fathers should be allowed a sabbatical from the time their daughters are 12yrs old till 16yrs old. But being surrounded by 3 women for the past 25 years has forced my dad to be informed of things he never would have otherwise known. Such as 7 For All Man Kind jeans, which he purchased for the first time this past year. So in close, thank you dad for changing my diapers, pretending to be interested in American Girl Dolls, understanding that I don't have a learning disability when I spend $120+ on a pair of jeans, and over all, just being super awesome.

Unfortunately, not all kids are lucky when it comes to the lottery of life in choosing parents. Sure they love them, but they are definitely embarrassed of them. In honor of Father's Day, here are some dads that also deserve a little recognition for their true amazingness...

Hoop Dreams.

I really don't think this father would be upset if the kid came out looking like Denis Rodman.

A Celebration Fit For a King
They can only hope to find husbands just like their father.

Who Wears Short-Shorts?
If Weiner-Gate occured in the 80's, he could truly say it was just an accidentally taken photo.

Conception and Birth in the Same Location.
Except I'm not sure why those two people aren't wearing pants, and the (hopefully) father is naked?

2 Dads.

ALL father's deserve recognition!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

This dog is richer than you will ever be




Warning: This one's going to sting the soul a little bit and damage your self worth.

Remember those high school nights when you slaved away at homework so that you could get into a great university where you would later spend endless nights hopped up on Red Bull only to finsh one of hundreds of papers just so you could get that diploma then get a good job and make some money?


That was a major waste of time.

Why you ask? Cause this freaking DOG has more money than MC Hammer did in his hay day.

Meet 'Trouble', the Maltese that once belonged to Leona Helmsley. For those of you who don't know Miss. Helmsley, she was quite the lady and business woman. She was a hotel operator and real estate investor. Blah blah blah, she was loaded. Well in 2007, she kicked the bucket. The ol broad was 87 years old, and sad to say, not too many people were upset by her departure. The whole "paying taxes" thing was beneath her, and she quite graciously accepted the title, "The Queen of Mean".

Anywho, when she died it was discovered that she had placed her dog, Trouble, in her Will and Last Testimate. She left the friggin' dog 12 MILLION DOLLARS. Oh, but don't worry, a judge ordered that the sum be reduced to 2 Million. Thank God, right? And in case this doesn't seem all 'that bad' to you yet, did I mention she cut out two of her grandchildren of inheritance for the simple reason of wanting to make sure the dog got as much as possible? Oh, and she also nixxed her ex-daughter in-law out of any inheritance after her husband DIED and then Helmsley evicted her from her home.

So the dog lived the "good life", whatever the heck that means other than feeding and the occasional allowance of a night sleep on your bed.

Here's Trouble's break down of expenses for a year:

$8,000 for grooming
$1,200 for food
And all the rest (which equaled $100,000) went to his 'manager' and security staff...




But here is the part of the story that will make you feel better:

The bitch died today. So there is one less dog who is richer than you. Sleep well.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Best Generation Ever?


Weiner, Weiner, Weiner. Would this story be half as awesome if his name was Smith or Anderson? Definitely not. I am dreaming of the day when Speaker of the House, John Boehner starts sexting Nancy Pelosi. And BTW, I don't care what you say, your
name isn't "BAH-NER", it's "BONER". I could care less about your politics. If you went by "Boner", aka, the best friend of Mike Seaver on the 1990's sitcom Growing Pains, or that slang term for something else..., I would totally support whatever you say. Change our National Anthem to the theme song to M.A.S.H., sure! Force all babies to be a subject in an Anne Geddes photo shoot, of course! Have Charlie Sheen become the official OBGYN for all woman with U.S. citizenship? DONE, BONER, DONE!

But I digress.

As a 25 year old, I feel as though I am the constant source of information about how facebook works, what twitter is, that dang-flabbened YouTube, and how to turn on the computer. I get it. My generation was the first to be raised with computers. It all started with a black screen with green little blobs that somehow were suppose to represent a buffalo and a covered wagon as I attempted to forge the river instead of float, which ultimately would kill my entire fictional pioneer family. But while we are all being studied to figure out if we somehow forgot how to communicate, and how we ultimately are dumber for our use of social media, I believe we missed one epic corner-stone in this new internet world: Sexting.

Think about it. There are really only two groups of people who do this: middle schoolers (gross), and old politicians (double gross). At 25, I have seen what happens when you sext. A jilted ex either sends them out to every person in their phone book, or even goes the whole mile and posts them to websites such as, Thedirty.com.

Personally, I don't get it. Fully clothed pictures that one takes standing in front of the mirror are really dumb. So when you add nakey in front of a mirror taking a picture = really dumb, and gross. At the minimum, hide your face cause not matter what, the pictures are never seen by one person.

So while Weiner goes down (ha, zinger) in history as the man with the "gray bulging undwear" (the media's words, not mine), I stress to all 40+ year olds, and 16- year olds, don't do that. We all think it's gross, and actually a little laughable, even the person you're sending it too.

The moral of this story; being raised on the Oregon Trail (the game, not the actual Oregon trail bc I would be dead in the first Cholera outbreak), implimented and maintained my moral and ethical values.

WEINER.

BONNNNNNNNNNER!

Weiner's Sext:


My Sext:

Friday, May 27, 2011

My Life, Post Oprah Rapture


Some people believed in the rapture, most people made fun of the rapture, and it's crazy followers. Although we are all still alive and we have moved on from the crazy 80+ year old man with Dumbo ears, many are ignoring the fact that the rapture indeed occurred. It happened on May 25, 2011 when Oprah Winfry signed off for the last time. What will my life become from 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM? Between my tears, I have taken the lessons from Oprah and compiled a 'life list' to get myself back on track, and to 'live my best life'. Lord, I love you Oprah.

(1) Must find someone else to tell me who to vote for in the Presidential Election.
(2) Every Holiday Season, I will assume someone will surprise me and start telling me all of their favorite things. And I fully expect them to give me whatever they are talking about.
(3) How the HELL will I know what my "Ah ha" moment is?!
(4) What other moment in my life will allow me to jump up and down, crying and hugging complete strangers?
(5) I must come to terms that I will never hear, "Please welcome ALLLLLLLEXXXX CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFEEEEEEEEE!"
(6) Good news - I can see less of Tom Cruise and his craziness
(7) So, now I have to watch The View for my deep life lessons?! Yeah right.
(8) I can no longer spend an hour a day, crying over the story of someone I have never met.
(9) Who is going to pay for all those kids college tuitions now, Oprah?!
(10) Now I'll actually have to pay for doctors appointments and counseling sessions since Dr. Oz and Phil aren't telling me what to do anymore.
(11) Whose going to be my future children's God Mother now!?
(12) I'm just going to stop reading altogether since no one is there to tell me what to read (and think of it)
(13) Is The Secret real???? I just don't know anymore!
(14) You think Bill O'Reilly is going to give 200+ people a car during HIS show? NO!
(15) I don't know how to "bring out the best me' for Criminy Sakes!


I don't think an entire channel can accommodate my needs for Oprah. I know I will pull out of this deep, personal misery eventually. But for now, I will weather the storm of this nuclear holocaust that is my life. Although Oprah has left me high and dry like a dead beat dad who doesn't even send a birthday card, I'll survive. I love you, Oprah.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

2.4 Mil Can Buy You THIS Hot Mess

If Ed Hardy / Affliciton has taught us anything, it's that you can capitalize on ugly, and by God, these home owners have done it. This cesspool of tackiness is located in Los Angeles, CA and is known for displaying 10+ miniature David statues in the front lawn. It has 7 ugly bedrooms, and 7 disgusting bathrooms. But this 4,832 square foot house can be yours for the price of 2.4 million. Check out the intense pics below:




















Thanks to realstalker.com!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Importance of Mentally Stable Neighbors

In Real Estate, the neighborhood pulls a lot of weight for clients, understandably. You never want crazy neighbors, but we all know they are sometimes unavoidable. As always, communication is key and these neighbors have seemed to perfected it with their loving notes:


The Cat Person: don't make them mad. They will unleash the crazy on you.



Helpful Neighbors: Always looking out for your well-being, and the well-being of your pets.



The Spirit Talkers: Communicating with one soul at a time (at 3 am).



The 'Honest' Neighbor - they love the fish smell, but understand that you may not!



The Relationship and Nutrition Counselor - Looking out for your sex life, and body fat percentage.



The 'Polite Newspaper Kleptos': They steal your newspaper and correct your language.



The 'Philanthropic Dog Hater': They may steal your dog, but they do feed i to the homeless. So, that's cool.



The 'Biggots Next Door': Racist, sexist idiots.



The 'Clothes Loving Neighbors': They love their clothes. They would like to keep them. But, they also want to help out any escaped convicts.

Their Philanthropic message can be found at the bottom of the page, "except if you are an escaped convict".



The 'Domestic Violent Neighbor': They may not have morals when it comes to hitting one another, but they can both agree tha their neighbors sleep is a priority.