Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Bachelor: A group of daddy-issue inflicted craze-o's

First of all, I must apologize for my absence on this insanely awesome blog. I've been hibernating, and now that I am nice and rested, and my fat storage is at an all time, cozy high, I'm ready to jump back in. So on we go.

Apparently Monday nights are run by this little show called The Bachelor. I'll admit that I am a reality tv slut. I LOVE me some dysfunctional hoarders, mentally disturbed females calling themselves "bad girls", insanely derogatory young adults getting blacked out in a certain New Jersey city, and little children being forced into glittery pageants that boarders on child abuse and child exploitation. But I JUST DON'T GET THE BACHELOR. I don't get it. I watch it for two seconds, and I want to punch not only the DOUCHE of a guy that they have on the show, but the daddy-issued litter of miscreant females that appear each week. Question number one for you ladies: How many NFL-type concussions have you suffered to make you believe this guy is really your 'future husband' and that he gives a crap about you. #2. Do you really think that your "career" is going to be helped by this? #3. How awful is your relationship with your dad?

But alas, there is one AWESOME thing about the show and it's bat-sh*t crazy cast; their exits. Now, I'm not going to lie, I've shed a tear or two once a relationship has come to a close. But that was a REAL relationship where we actually dated exclusively, had emotional connections which was NOT shown by him giving me a red rose at the end of each day. So, with that said, why are you crying? More importantly, why do you show that you are upset, in front of cameras when you know your face looks like this:

Cat Woman: That, or she is trying to see what she will look like when she's 40, and decides to go for the facelift.

I hear a Taylor Swift-esk song comin' on...

Yeah, she's gonna kill you in your sleep and save your hair.

She just woke up from the alcohol induced coma and realized she doesn't have to stay here anymore.

This looks like one of the one-on-one interviews from Intervention.

She just realized that this show was the high point of her career / life.

Yes, your life has been reduced to the fact that one super-douche hasn't given you a rose. You can go ahead and jump of the top of this house whenever you like.

Holy Cleavage! Not only does he not like your personality, your pathetic attempt at (once again) using your, uh, 'assets' didn't even work. You can follow the other girl to the roof too.

She farted, and is hoping he doesn't notice...
He didn't like her because she was a Trekie. That or she was too dumb to understand how to do the dance from Pulp Fiction. She never did get it right...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

10 Creepy Song Lyrics

There are some really sweet, lovey-dovey songs that sound all nice and great...until you actually listen to the lyrics. Here are 10 of some of the creepiest lyrics in love songs. Enjoy!

"Hello": Lionel Richie

#1. Go to YouTube, #2. Watch this video immediately, #3. Love on the creepiness that is a blind girl, and a clay head.

"As Long As You Love Me": Backstreet Boys

"I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me." - really? This is what those crazy women say on E! News Investigates when they get married to serial killers from San Quintin.

"Forever": Chris Brown

This song, we can all agree, is pretty catchy. It was used for that (once) awesome YouTube video of those crazy Minnesotins dancing down the aisle to their wedding. Then the funny ones over at "The Office" used it in their wedding episode. However, is it not a little weird that the song that is now associated with cute/loviness was written by the guy that beat the crud out of his super cute girlfriend? Now that's creepy.

"Invisible": Clay Aiken

Did he win American Idol? Does anyone watch American Idol? Did the fiercely loyal bible-belt living, Idol lovers still like Clay since he came out? Hell I didn't like him UNTILL he came out. Apparently he wrote a song right after AI called "Invisible". The creepiness comes along when Aiken sings, "being invisible and watching someone in their room." AND how if he was invisible, he was invisible he would make the 'person' he loved "mine tonight." SO, you're like a stalker, but a ghost? And, if the person who you like didn't see you, then they'll be in the love you? How, why? Ceepy.

"The Girl Is Mine": Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney

So when I came upon this song, I was a bit shocked that it didn't sound too familiar to me. Here are two of the greatest singer/songwriters in HISTORY, working TOGETHER, yet, the tune didn't instantly jump into my mind when I heard it. Then I listened to the lyrics, and it all became clear. This song, accompanied with the music video, is a tad creepy. Paul and MJ play best friends who seemed to be pretty indifferent to the fact that they are dating the same girl. Now, I have watched Maury/Jersey Shore, and I KNOW guys don't let that go by with a friendly interaction while shaving...And as the song continues, you are not quite sure if they are referring to being in-love with the girl, or physically owning her. We get that you guys have more money than God, but can't you just pick up another chick? Alas, the song leaves us hanging on with no clear conclusion of who the girl actually belongs too.

"Please Don't Stand So Close To Me": The Police

We all know the catchy tune, but if you listen to the lyrics you realize this is a song about a teacher who wants to nail his student...yes, seriously. The teacher thinks the student is hot and is trying really hard not to just tackle, and love on her. Sick-nasty. Basically this is the theme song for whenever Mary-Kay Letourneau enters a room. Note this lyric:, "Hey, your honor, she stood to close." Creepy.

"Baby, It's Cold Outside": By Every Person Who Ever Sang It.

This is a song about a dude trying to get a girl wasted so she spends the night. Seriously, the chick WANTS to leave but the guy keeps pushing "one more drink" on her. The guys like, "it's really cold", and the girls like, "not that cold", then he says, "how can you do that to me" (manipulative jerk), and THEN she notices her drink tastes FUNNY! Seriously, dude, ROOFIES? It's like 1954. So here she is, snowing like crazy, no cabs (according to him), she's stuck, AND her drink tastes "funny". Good luck lady. Merry Christmas.

"Across The Sea": Weezer

So this song is about a fan letter that was sent to Weezer's, Rivers Cuomo, which is really sweat and all. That would be freaking awesome if I wrote a letter to my beloved Britney Spears and she put it into a song. But his song boarders on true creepiness. Cuomo decides not only to open the letter and read it, but to "sniff and lick your envelope/fall to little pieces every time I wonder what you wear to school"

"I Knew I Love You": Savage Garden

The title sounds great. Real romantic like. Then, all of a sudden, he pulls out, "before I met you." You knew you loved me BEFORE you met me? That's stalker status. Sure, if you meet a really rich, suer successful singer (that Savage Garden was for about a second in 1998), then him saying, "I knew I loved you before I met you", is all great and dandy, but for an everyday dude out at Peso's in Queen Anne=CREEPY.

"All My Life": K-Ci & Jojo

Yeay 1999 reference to Save The Last Dance! The song starts off well enough, "All my life, I prayed for someone like you", ahhh, well that is sweet and not creepy. Then, the crap hits the incest-fan. "Close to me like my mother", WHAT? "Close to me just like my father", K, gross. Wait, two more, "brother" and "sister". Nope. So you want to make love to a girl that is like your mother, father, brother and sister. Nope. Creepy.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Your Stomach vs. The Starbucks Trenta Size

Starbucks is rolling out a new size for you and your addiction to caffein. Meet, Trenta, the insanely huge size that can compete with a 7-11 Big-Gulp. Essentially this is the classiest way to partake in your daily gluttony. There is something more pretentious about the white/clear cup with a nakey Mermaid on it rather than a multi-neon colored, word-art covered cup. But aside from what they look like, here is a comparison between the different sizes found at a Starbucks, and your stomach. Basically, this is meant to make all of us feel really, really bad about ourselves.

Have a great day!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Drink This, Become Cristiano Ronaldo

So, I wanted to give a little blip about this new energy that my friend works for. Ever since the World Cup, my family has had to step in to intervene on my delusion that I was going to quit my job and go out for the Mens US National Team. I don't know why they don't believe in me. Perhaps I can't touch my toes standing up, and the fastest mile I ever ran was 6:45, or that even the though of running outside makes me want to just give up and take a nap, but whatever.

ANYWHO, this new Seattle based company, Golazo, (yeay, go Seattle) is sponsoring what may be one of the most fun ways to spend a Friday night. 3v3 Collegiate Pop Up Tournament in Capitol Hill on Saturday, January 22nd from 8pm to 12midnight. "But Alex, who wants to work out on a Saturday night, I want to go to the bars." Well, there's an open bar, a TACO TRUCK (hell yeah), a DJ and cool visual things. So if you feel like being lazy, which is my daily life (perhaps that was my parents concern), just come and drink and watch people make a fool of themselves as they attempt to be athletic after a couple of beers.

But aside from that, this is a pretty sweet company. Seattle has proven itself as THE city for soccer. No other MLS team in the country has sold as many tickets as the Sounders FC. David Beckham even said that Qwest Field is the closest he has come to playing in a European atmosphere while in North America. So Golazo started doing a little bit of research and found that the soccer nuts of Seattle had been sharing different concoctions and recipes to maintain energy during soccer games. A few ideas here, a few ideas there and BAM, welcome to the world baby Golazo.

Check out their website, which is pretty freaking cool. It is not just a site about the 'drank' but also a great hub for everything soccer.

I guess instead of quitting my day job, I can just waste time by looking at this site...

Ok, back to selling houses.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

#PalinMovie Names

Thank you twitter for giving me, once again, another reason to negate my other obligations. Today's 'trending topic' is Sarah Palin Movie Titles. Here are my favorites:

1. @JackQuipper: How To Succeed in Politics Without Really Trying.

2. @birdiepup: All Dogs No Jews Go To Heaven

3. @EmLocke: A Time To Drill

4. @Marnus3: Honey, I Shrunk My Nomination Chances.

5. @CrystalGibson: Moulin Rogue.

6. @Rube_Goldberg: Throw Momma Grizzly From the Train.

7. @dafotology: Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying About the Consequences of My Actions, and Love the Attention.

8. @PaulalnTulsaOK: No Country For Olbermann.

9. @rilaws: Amistodd.

10. @Carlos Cabrera: The Wasillian Candidate.

11. @thecajunboy: Blood Simpleton.

12. @ComradeThom: Wet Hot American Bummer.

13. @JoeMande: Babble

14. @mcsweeneys: How to Refudiate a Guy in 10 Days.

15. @friedmanjon: Hopey Changey Floats

16. @RuthBourdain: Crosshairspray.

17. @gabedelahye: Fake Grit

18. @videogum: Eat, Pray, Hate.

19. @mkdlisted: There Will Be Blood Libel

Macklemore's awesome tribute: My Oh My (Official Video)

A tribute to the Seattle great.

Macklemore, My Oh My.

Celeb Real Estate: The Google Guy

Hey ladies, if we have learned anything in the past 10 years, it's that we need to drop our obsession with professional athletes and rich old dudes (if you ever had a weird obsession with that?) and get in with the nerds! Mr. Larry Page is the multi-BILLIONAIRE and co-founder of Google. You know, that website that you may sometimes use. And by sometimes, I mean like 250 times a day. Larry decided to toss some cash at a little investment and decided on a $45,000,000 yacht called Senses. I think he should rename it, "F-You". This little water mansion is 193 feet long and has 5 staterooms spread throughout 3 levels of boat living. In case you never want to lift a finger, the yacht can also comfortably accommodate 14 crew members.

Oh, and it includes both inside and outside dining areas, a fitness/massage room, on-deck jacuzzi, 40+ launch which offers easy access for shore excursions, oh, and a helicopter pad.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Chick Flick House For Sale

Attention Chick-Flick lovers (and yes, including you closeted chick-flick loving men), the home featured in Step Mom and The Bounty Hunter is now for sale! The home is located in Nyack, NY and was built in 1854. More than anything else, I bet there are awesome ghosts there (let's be real here). The home is a little larger than 5,000 square ft which is FREAKING HUGE for a home built in the 1800's, heck, it's huge now. It has 8 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, and sits on 1.5 acres with a killer water view.

So there you go. Buy it.

Again, thanks to the freaking-amazing people over at Zillow and at . Those guys and gals are the best!

Good Luck: Awesome Fortune Cookies

Good luck is sweet, but you won't find it here. But at least these fortune cookies will make you laugh. Happy Wednesday!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

For the Love of the Seahawks

Hell has frozen over. Pigs are flying. I will be the "Super-Awesome" Party's 2012 candidate for President. The Seahawks beat the defending Super Bowl Champions in the first round of the playoffs. And, hey, have you heard the Hawks only had a 7-9 record? I don't know if any other media source has mentioned that. While some journalists still hold tight that they Hawks do not deserve there spot in the Playoffs, they ALL can agree that Marshawn Lynch's run was the BEST RUN in NFL history.

I tip my hat to the 12th Man, even the bandwagoners (because heck, everyone loves a Cinderella Story, that's 'Merica'). I worked for the Hawks during the 2008 season, so obviously I credit this win and the wins to come, entirely to myself.

THE greatest carry in NFL HISTORY!

And if you want to shower in the wonderfulness that is yesterday's game, here are some of the awesome pictures from The Seattle Times.

Helmet Kiss.

A little Dub Step, and away you go.

Walter Jones IS the 12th Man.

You lost.

We pride ourselves in having an awful record, then beating the defending Super Bowl Champs.

Yes, Matt, you're #1.

A little Zig, a little Zag.

There goes the little guy. All 5'6 of him.

Carlson. TD Catch. Go Hawks.

He may be Neuheisel-Light, but he knows how to win when he needs to.

Up-n-over with a little face smash.

An 'OK' catch...


TD and a little butt-grabbing action.

Just RUNNING guys over.

Thanks again for the amazing photo's, Seattle Times.