Tuesday, January 4, 2011

An Open Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Brett Lorenzo Favre,

Favre, Favre, Favre. God gave you a way out about 3 years ago when you originally got all 'pregnant woman' on us and cried your little eyes out saying it 'felt right' to retire. Let us fast forward to your current life -woosh- your record for consecutive games started ends at 297, 297?! Are you kidding me? First of all, I don't care if they had to wrap your lower half up like mummy, you are going to go out there, take one snap then fall over..THAT'S IT! You were 3 games from getting to 300. Fine, perhaps that is my OCD talking, but commmmmmon man.

But this all doesn't compare to the sheer awesomeness that is your pre-marital relationships. While I can only imagine the number of classy young ladies you have courted that have NOT called you out on your oh-so-sexy-sexts (though it has to make Tiger look like pre-pubescent boy just getting started), 3 special ladies decided to let the world know how creepy Brett Favre actually is.

Here are a couple of reasons why you, Brett Lorenzo Favre, creep me out. #1. Your middle name is Lorenzo!? #2. You're a grandpa (your 20 yr old daughter Brittany popped out a baby sans papa last spring). #3. You're a grandpa that regularly 'sexts' #4. You're a grandpa that send pictures of your 'little Brett'. (side note - not only do you send pictures of - that- to ladies, which by the way, no woman in their right mind finds attractive, BUT you sent a picture of it in its least attractive form!) #5. Did I mention he is a grandfather...ugh. #6. The first gal (Jenn Sterger) looks eerily similar to his wife AND daughter.

But let's also hit on those voicemails, REALLY BRETT?! After she doesn't respond to any of your texts and romantic pictures, you decide to call the girl and leave a message?! Every woman has, at one time or another, received a desperate voicemail from a douchy guy at a late hour, but Brett, you put every 20 year old, blacked out frat-bro to absolute shame. Give it up buddy. Not only were you stone cold sober (assuming, as you mentioned that you had just wrapped up practice), and it was the middle of the day BUT she never made any reciprocating communication with you, EVER.

And finally, the most disturbing thing of all: The forensic work done by the NFL to determine if 'that' picture did indeed come from Brett Favre. Who the hell do you have to piss off at the NFL to choose YOU and a team of others to spend weeks staring at a picture of some dudes schlong? Seriously?

So, Brett, in short, give it up.

Alexandra Marie Chaffee

p.s. please don't send me an angry sext.

p.p.s. if you haven't seen these already, they are pretty awesome:

You deserved this:

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