Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Charlie Sheen: America's favorite Mental Breakdown


On a scale of 1 to Charlie Sheen, this guy is nuts, and I love it. Don't get me wrong, if this guy was having a Britney Spears or Lindsey Lohan-esk breakdown, it wouldn't be so funny. HOWEVER, this guy is genuinely having the time of his freaking life. He legitimately believes every heroin induced, incoherent, mind-numbing word that comes out of his mouth. Not only does he resemble a far less lovable Captain Jack Sparrow but he's starting to make that Gaddafi fellow like a well rounded individual.

While I have been coming up with some, in my opinion (which is always right), HILARIOUS jokes regarding Mr. Sheen, such as the Washington State D.A.R.E. Program's request for him to be their new spokes person, these quotes are from the mouth of our generations newest Philosopher, Charlie Sheen:

Good Morning America:

I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available. If you try it once, you wil die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

I think people misinterpreted my passion for anger.

The Today Show:

I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind, and unlearned 22 years of fiction...the fiction of AA. It's a silly book written by a broken-down fool.

(On why he turns to the bottle and drugs) I did that because they work...change the way you see things and change the way you feel. And yea, when you're a little bit bored with redundancy of certain aspects of your life, yeah, I think that's why people do them.

(On the inevitability of embarrassing his children) God, no. Talk about an education. And then, like this, and then that's the guy, and that's our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, WINNING!

(On how he "doesn't" relapse) I just don't do it. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it is written for normal people. People who aren't special. People who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.

Well, I mean, first of all come Wednesday morning, they're gonna rename it Charlie Bros. and not Warner Bros. Duh, WINNING! It's, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c'mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn;t even trying.

I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars.

From other random interviews where he has shared his knowledge with us:

To radically disrespect this union with the shameful contract is something I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace his unevolved mind cannot process.

The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as "Alcoholics Anonymous", reports a 5% success rate. My success rate is 100%.

They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, "I CAN'T PROCESS IT!"

I'm sorry man..I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips.

I am battle tested bayonets!

I am an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air. And I will deploy myordinance to the ground.

I have spent I think close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.

I have real fame. They have nothing. They have zero.

One of their stupid mottos is, "Don't be special, be one of us." NEWSFLASH: I am special and I will NEVER be one of you. WINNING!

You don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. HA, WINNING!

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