Friday, May 27, 2011

My Life, Post Oprah Rapture

Some people believed in the rapture, most people made fun of the rapture, and it's crazy followers. Although we are all still alive and we have moved on from the crazy 80+ year old man with Dumbo ears, many are ignoring the fact that the rapture indeed occurred. It happened on May 25, 2011 when Oprah Winfry signed off for the last time. What will my life become from 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM? Between my tears, I have taken the lessons from Oprah and compiled a 'life list' to get myself back on track, and to 'live my best life'. Lord, I love you Oprah.

(1) Must find someone else to tell me who to vote for in the Presidential Election.
(2) Every Holiday Season, I will assume someone will surprise me and start telling me all of their favorite things. And I fully expect them to give me whatever they are talking about.
(3) How the HELL will I know what my "Ah ha" moment is?!
(4) What other moment in my life will allow me to jump up and down, crying and hugging complete strangers?
(5) I must come to terms that I will never hear, "Please welcome ALLLLLLLEXXXX CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFEEEEEEEEE!"
(6) Good news - I can see less of Tom Cruise and his craziness
(7) So, now I have to watch The View for my deep life lessons?! Yeah right.
(8) I can no longer spend an hour a day, crying over the story of someone I have never met.
(9) Who is going to pay for all those kids college tuitions now, Oprah?!
(10) Now I'll actually have to pay for doctors appointments and counseling sessions since Dr. Oz and Phil aren't telling me what to do anymore.
(11) Whose going to be my future children's God Mother now!?
(12) I'm just going to stop reading altogether since no one is there to tell me what to read (and think of it)
(13) Is The Secret real???? I just don't know anymore!
(14) You think Bill O'Reilly is going to give 200+ people a car during HIS show? NO!
(15) I don't know how to "bring out the best me' for Criminy Sakes!

I don't think an entire channel can accommodate my needs for Oprah. I know I will pull out of this deep, personal misery eventually. But for now, I will weather the storm of this nuclear holocaust that is my life. Although Oprah has left me high and dry like a dead beat dad who doesn't even send a birthday card, I'll survive. I love you, Oprah.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

2.4 Mil Can Buy You THIS Hot Mess

If Ed Hardy / Affliciton has taught us anything, it's that you can capitalize on ugly, and by God, these home owners have done it. This cesspool of tackiness is located in Los Angeles, CA and is known for displaying 10+ miniature David statues in the front lawn. It has 7 ugly bedrooms, and 7 disgusting bathrooms. But this 4,832 square foot house can be yours for the price of 2.4 million. Check out the intense pics below:

Thanks to!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Importance of Mentally Stable Neighbors

In Real Estate, the neighborhood pulls a lot of weight for clients, understandably. You never want crazy neighbors, but we all know they are sometimes unavoidable. As always, communication is key and these neighbors have seemed to perfected it with their loving notes:

The Cat Person: don't make them mad. They will unleash the crazy on you.

Helpful Neighbors: Always looking out for your well-being, and the well-being of your pets.

The Spirit Talkers: Communicating with one soul at a time (at 3 am).

The 'Honest' Neighbor - they love the fish smell, but understand that you may not!

The Relationship and Nutrition Counselor - Looking out for your sex life, and body fat percentage.

The 'Polite Newspaper Kleptos': They steal your newspaper and correct your language.

The 'Philanthropic Dog Hater': They may steal your dog, but they do feed i to the homeless. So, that's cool.

The 'Biggots Next Door': Racist, sexist idiots.

The 'Clothes Loving Neighbors': They love their clothes. They would like to keep them. But, they also want to help out any escaped convicts.

Their Philanthropic message can be found at the bottom of the page, "except if you are an escaped convict".

The 'Domestic Violent Neighbor': They may not have morals when it comes to hitting one another, but they can both agree tha their neighbors sleep is a priority.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

KEVIN!!! Home Alone House For Sale

It's been 21 freaking years since Home Alone offered it's awesomeness to the world. Now, the iconic house is for sale. Holy bananas. The current home owners were present for the filming but honestly seem to care less that their home's start quality. The home is located in the North Shore of Chicago and only blocks from Lake Michigan. You can own this 4,250 square foot home for $2.4 million dollars. But let's be honest, it's pretty priceless.

Oh, and it's listed with my brokerage, which is sweet. Go Coldwell Banker

The front, obviously....And no iron jockey man.

Stairs for sledding.

Buzz's room.

Dining Room, for a fancy Mac n' Cheese dinner.

Kitchen: "Keep the change you filthy animal".

A lovely living room, for living.

Mom and Dad's Room.

WHAT? There was no Sun Room in the movie!

The office, or the Christmas Tree area.

And the owners, who don't seem to care much that their house was used in the greatest movie ever.

Mobile Home Masterpieces!!!

God Bless America. 'Merica is known for apple pies, baseball, rolling plains and Mobile Homes. No one truly knows how to decorate like the inhabitants of trailer parks. For the non-rolling home owners, we use Martha Stewart, Ikea, Oprah's awesome gay home decorator, and HGTV to tell us how to decorate. But trailer-parkers, oh no. They aren't pansies. They use their intelligence and creativity to produce these little masterpieces that make Frank Lloyed Wright look like a drunk elephant just throwing crap together.

Back Yard Grill: Is that a Viking?

Once all of those pesky cars are finally out of your front yard, what can you do to spice up your house? Oh, this.

Dining room Chandelier.

Mobile Home Flat Screen Part 1....

Mobile Home Flat Screen Part Duex...

Have a spare bus in your yard? Make it into a nice little bomb shelter that won't actually protect you.

The King of the Mobile Park.

A lovely, and comfortable yard swing.

The Confederate Spa.

Thanksgiving Day.

A Cheaper Brita System.

Add a lovely new foyer to your home.

Stadium seating for the perfect view of your yard.