Friday, May 27, 2011

My Life, Post Oprah Rapture


Some people believed in the rapture, most people made fun of the rapture, and it's crazy followers. Although we are all still alive and we have moved on from the crazy 80+ year old man with Dumbo ears, many are ignoring the fact that the rapture indeed occurred. It happened on May 25, 2011 when Oprah Winfry signed off for the last time. What will my life become from 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM? Between my tears, I have taken the lessons from Oprah and compiled a 'life list' to get myself back on track, and to 'live my best life'. Lord, I love you Oprah.

(1) Must find someone else to tell me who to vote for in the Presidential Election.
(2) Every Holiday Season, I will assume someone will surprise me and start telling me all of their favorite things. And I fully expect them to give me whatever they are talking about.
(3) How the HELL will I know what my "Ah ha" moment is?!
(4) What other moment in my life will allow me to jump up and down, crying and hugging complete strangers?
(5) I must come to terms that I will never hear, "Please welcome ALLLLLLLEXXXX CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFFEEEEEEEEE!"
(6) Good news - I can see less of Tom Cruise and his craziness
(7) So, now I have to watch The View for my deep life lessons?! Yeah right.
(8) I can no longer spend an hour a day, crying over the story of someone I have never met.
(9) Who is going to pay for all those kids college tuitions now, Oprah?!
(10) Now I'll actually have to pay for doctors appointments and counseling sessions since Dr. Oz and Phil aren't telling me what to do anymore.
(11) Whose going to be my future children's God Mother now!?
(12) I'm just going to stop reading altogether since no one is there to tell me what to read (and think of it)
(13) Is The Secret real???? I just don't know anymore!
(14) You think Bill O'Reilly is going to give 200+ people a car during HIS show? NO!
(15) I don't know how to "bring out the best me' for Criminy Sakes!


I don't think an entire channel can accommodate my needs for Oprah. I know I will pull out of this deep, personal misery eventually. But for now, I will weather the storm of this nuclear holocaust that is my life. Although Oprah has left me high and dry like a dead beat dad who doesn't even send a birthday card, I'll survive. I love you, Oprah.

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