Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Father's Day


This weekend is the annual celebration of our fathers. Happy Father's Day to my pops. And I'm serious when I say, 'thank you'. The whole diaper situation must have sucked, especially when mom refused to ever change one. "Oh my gosh, Bob, it's amazing. They don't need a change all day until you get home!". And raising two daughters can't be super easy. I think all fathers should be allowed a sabbatical from the time their daughters are 12yrs old till 16yrs old. But being surrounded by 3 women for the past 25 years has forced my dad to be informed of things he never would have otherwise known. Such as 7 For All Man Kind jeans, which he purchased for the first time this past year. So in close, thank you dad for changing my diapers, pretending to be interested in American Girl Dolls, understanding that I don't have a learning disability when I spend $120+ on a pair of jeans, and over all, just being super awesome.

Unfortunately, not all kids are lucky when it comes to the lottery of life in choosing parents. Sure they love them, but they are definitely embarrassed of them. In honor of Father's Day, here are some dads that also deserve a little recognition for their true amazingness...

Hoop Dreams.

I really don't think this father would be upset if the kid came out looking like Denis Rodman.

A Celebration Fit For a King
They can only hope to find husbands just like their father.

Who Wears Short-Shorts?
If Weiner-Gate occured in the 80's, he could truly say it was just an accidentally taken photo.

Conception and Birth in the Same Location.
Except I'm not sure why those two people aren't wearing pants, and the (hopefully) father is naked?

2 Dads.

ALL father's deserve recognition!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

This dog is richer than you will ever be




Warning: This one's going to sting the soul a little bit and damage your self worth.

Remember those high school nights when you slaved away at homework so that you could get into a great university where you would later spend endless nights hopped up on Red Bull only to finsh one of hundreds of papers just so you could get that diploma then get a good job and make some money?


That was a major waste of time.

Why you ask? Cause this freaking DOG has more money than MC Hammer did in his hay day.

Meet 'Trouble', the Maltese that once belonged to Leona Helmsley. For those of you who don't know Miss. Helmsley, she was quite the lady and business woman. She was a hotel operator and real estate investor. Blah blah blah, she was loaded. Well in 2007, she kicked the bucket. The ol broad was 87 years old, and sad to say, not too many people were upset by her departure. The whole "paying taxes" thing was beneath her, and she quite graciously accepted the title, "The Queen of Mean".

Anywho, when she died it was discovered that she had placed her dog, Trouble, in her Will and Last Testimate. She left the friggin' dog 12 MILLION DOLLARS. Oh, but don't worry, a judge ordered that the sum be reduced to 2 Million. Thank God, right? And in case this doesn't seem all 'that bad' to you yet, did I mention she cut out two of her grandchildren of inheritance for the simple reason of wanting to make sure the dog got as much as possible? Oh, and she also nixxed her ex-daughter in-law out of any inheritance after her husband DIED and then Helmsley evicted her from her home.

So the dog lived the "good life", whatever the heck that means other than feeding and the occasional allowance of a night sleep on your bed.

Here's Trouble's break down of expenses for a year:

$8,000 for grooming
$1,200 for food
And all the rest (which equaled $100,000) went to his 'manager' and security staff...




But here is the part of the story that will make you feel better:

The bitch died today. So there is one less dog who is richer than you. Sleep well.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Best Generation Ever?


Weiner, Weiner, Weiner. Would this story be half as awesome if his name was Smith or Anderson? Definitely not. I am dreaming of the day when Speaker of the House, John Boehner starts sexting Nancy Pelosi. And BTW, I don't care what you say, your
name isn't "BAH-NER", it's "BONER". I could care less about your politics. If you went by "Boner", aka, the best friend of Mike Seaver on the 1990's sitcom Growing Pains, or that slang term for something else..., I would totally support whatever you say. Change our National Anthem to the theme song to M.A.S.H., sure! Force all babies to be a subject in an Anne Geddes photo shoot, of course! Have Charlie Sheen become the official OBGYN for all woman with U.S. citizenship? DONE, BONER, DONE!

But I digress.

As a 25 year old, I feel as though I am the constant source of information about how facebook works, what twitter is, that dang-flabbened YouTube, and how to turn on the computer. I get it. My generation was the first to be raised with computers. It all started with a black screen with green little blobs that somehow were suppose to represent a buffalo and a covered wagon as I attempted to forge the river instead of float, which ultimately would kill my entire fictional pioneer family. But while we are all being studied to figure out if we somehow forgot how to communicate, and how we ultimately are dumber for our use of social media, I believe we missed one epic corner-stone in this new internet world: Sexting.

Think about it. There are really only two groups of people who do this: middle schoolers (gross), and old politicians (double gross). At 25, I have seen what happens when you sext. A jilted ex either sends them out to every person in their phone book, or even goes the whole mile and posts them to websites such as, Thedirty.com.

Personally, I don't get it. Fully clothed pictures that one takes standing in front of the mirror are really dumb. So when you add nakey in front of a mirror taking a picture = really dumb, and gross. At the minimum, hide your face cause not matter what, the pictures are never seen by one person.

So while Weiner goes down (ha, zinger) in history as the man with the "gray bulging undwear" (the media's words, not mine), I stress to all 40+ year olds, and 16- year olds, don't do that. We all think it's gross, and actually a little laughable, even the person you're sending it too.

The moral of this story; being raised on the Oregon Trail (the game, not the actual Oregon trail bc I would be dead in the first Cholera outbreak), implimented and maintained my moral and ethical values.

WEINER.

BONNNNNNNNNNER!

Weiner's Sext:


My Sext: