Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Welcome Home: An Open Letter to Amanda Knox


The Dawgs are 4-1 with whispers they are creeping around the top 25, the Fall drinks have returned to Starbucks, and UW's own, Amanda Knox has been acquitted of murdered and returned home. All in all, Seattle is riding on quite a high right now. As I calmed down from my media-induced hysteria over Knox's new freedom, I began to put together a list of things Amanda Knox has missed in the past 4 years, including the closing of Tommy's on the Ave, but the introduction of Memo's and Fornos. All came to a roaring stop when I came upon this open letter that, in essence, kicked the crap out of any letter I could possibly use to inform Miss. Knox on the 'goings on'.

Written by another individual sharing the superior name of, "Alex", this letter is featured on Seattle Sportsnet (http://seattlesportsnet.com/author/seattlesportsnet/)



Hello, Amanda. We’re glad to have you back. Italy can have Kobe Bryant. He’s a dick. We’d rather have you here in America than that jerk.

Anyway, I’m here today to give you something. I know most people are trying to take from you now that you’re home. They want your time, your words, your story…they want a piece of Amanda Knox. I wager there aren’t too many folks out there giving you something with no strings attached. So I’ll try to start the trend.

What I’m here to give you today is knowledge. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Knowledge can be a very broad, ambiguous topic. So allow me to elaborate. I’m here to bequeath unto you my understanding of the past four years’ current events. These are things you absolutely need to know to catch up on the world around you. I’m not quite sure what life is like in Italian prison, but I imagine you weren’t nearly as well-informed as you should have been. I’d like to be your catcher-upper.


There’s really no need to for me to keep blabbing. Let’s just get right to it. I’ve done my best to summarize 48 months’ worth of material for you in one article. Here we go…

First, you’re going to want to delete your MySpace account. Don’t ask questions. Just do it.

Once that’s complete, feel free to replace one social networking account with another. Go to Twitter.com and register. Twitter wasn’t even alive when you left. Yet in just a couple years, it has become the biggest thing on the planet. It’s like one giant Facebook status update, except you only get 140 characters to use and people are incessantly bantering back and forth to one another. It sounds really stupid, and frankly, it kind of is stupid. What can you say. That’s just Twitter being Twitter.

Don’t check your Facebook until you’re in a very calm state. Unlike the rest of us, you’ll be forced to view about two-dozen platform changes all at once. If you knew how many people had bitched about each one of these alterations as they individually debuted over the years, you’d likely never go back to that site at all. There is some good news, however. You know all those uneducated friends you used to only be able to keep up with on MySpace? You can connect with one another on Facebook now! Enjoy that.

Do yourself a favor and avoid Glee. It’s a TV show that will steal your soul and keep you from ever having a social life on Tuesday nights.

While we’re at it, here are a few other things to avoid:

Twilight. Not the dusky time of day. The movie and book series. Avoid this at all costs. AT ALL COSTS!
Coldplay. I know. They were around when you left. But they still suck. I just thought you should know.
Starbucks. It’s a long story. We’ll get to that later.
Venoy Overton. You may remember him. He was a freshman back in 2007. Skinny guy, played on the UW basketball team. No matter what happens, don’t hang out with him. I’m trying to look out for your safety here. You do not want to get caught on that hot track. And this guy, he can be very persuasive.
Jersey Shore. It’s not a bad show. Quite entertaining, in fact. But Italy’s already scarred you once. No need to reopen fresh wounds.
Fashion has obviously changed quite a bit in your absence. You’re probably wondering where to begin with your wardrobe. I can help with that, too. Let me give you two words of advice: yoga pants. That’s right, yoga pants. Do not question my wisdom in this area. You will thank me.

You may be in need of a new cell phone. Thing is, everyone has “smart phones” now. When you left, smart phones were for special people. Now, though, everyone has a smart phone. Look, I’m not here to tell you what to do. But for God’s sake, if anyone offers you a Nokia smart phone, do not take it. You will end up wanting to shoot yourself most days. How do I know this? Well, let’s just say I panicked at the T-Mobile store.

Your iPod could use a few updates, I bet. You’ll probably gravitate towards the Katy Perrys (she’s new) of the world, but along the way you might notice something interesting. These days, every song sounds like a techno ripoff of the crap we used to listen to in the mid-Nineties. You know what I’m talking about. The “eun-sit eun-sit eun-sit” music. Black guys, white guys, black chicks, white chicks…they’re all making this music. It’s the weirdest thing. I keep waiting for Jack Johnson to come along and kill the fad, but that guy’s still probably trying to find a pair of shoes to wear. Not that I’m complaining. I kind of like these jams…

Funny story. We have a black president now. Barack Obama. He was a senator when you left. I don’t really concern myself with politics, but he seems like a cool dude. It’s like, as soon as Puff Daddy stopped telling us to “Rock the Vote,” we just decided to put a brother in office. The irony.

You missed the entire Jon and Kate Plus Eight saga. Congrats. You’re better off than the rest of us as a result.

Bad news: Michael Scott left The Office. Sorry. Someone had to tell you. I figured I’d take the bullet on that one.

Lil Wayne’s really popular now. So is the paraplegic dude from DeGrassi: The Next Generation. Yes, I’m trying to keep you up on the rap game. We don’t need you bumpin’ Mike Jones as you roll through the hood.

Speaking of the rap game, we’re going to need you to obtain some swag as soon as you can. Once you’ve achieved that, I’ll arrange for someone to teach you how to Dougie. You missed the Soulja Boy era, thankfully. And you’re kind of at the tail end of the Dougie phenomenon as it is. But it’s probably a good idea to learn how to Dougie, anyway. Everybody Dougie, ev-everybody Dougie. Except you. Until now.

You know that thing about Starbucks earlier? Yeah, well, they’re responsible for taking our basketball team. You may have noticed that the Sonics are gone. But here’s the thing. If you start wearing Sonics gear everywhere, they’ll be back soon enough. I know, I know. I said there were no strings attached with this article. There’s one. Get us back the Sonics. You can do it. You’re as big as Oprah right now (figuratively…). If the Sonics become one of your “favorite things,” they’ll find their way back to Seattle. Just a thought.

Besides the departure of our beloved Sonics, not much has changed on the sports landscape. We haven’t won anything of note while you’ve been away. You can pick up where you left off in your fanaticism. Just like old times. We wanted to make sure you had at least one sobering thing to provide comfort upon your return.

Although, the Husky football team did go to a bowl game last year. First time in nearly a decade. Behind the leadership of Jake Locker. Unbelievable, I know. You also missed an 0-12 season in there. The juxtaposition of those two polar opposites is absolutely mind-boggling.

Finally, I implore you to look out for bicycles when walking around Seattle. We have a new mayor. He will run your ass over on his Schwinn. And there will be no remorse for the casualty, either. Be careful, Amanda. It’s a dangerous world out there. And bikes are at the forefront of our destruction.

Thanks for being the Marty McFly to my Doc Brown. You’re all caught up on the past. Let’s get back to the future now.

Welcome home. Go Dawgs.

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