Monday, August 20, 2012

Office Thoughts

   A big congrats to myself for making it through the first month at my new job.  I honestly can't understand why more (any) people aren't walking up to me on the street and delivering high fives and fist bumps.  It's been a rough transition.  I enjoyed funemployment for about a month.  My schedule consisted of waking up somewhere around 10am, putting on gym cloths with some intention of working out, then spending the rest of the day watching Pretty Little Liars and Real Housewives.  I would sometimes attempt a trip to the local grocery story to only realize that I forgot my list at home which detailed the latest Pinterest recipe I had discovered.  And no, I could not use my phone to recover it because it had died from texting my boyfriend / sister / friends throughout the day who actually HAD jobs, but I was bored and demanded that they entertain me before Luanne's eyes bulged out of their sockets.  
     It's been a blessing and a curse that my new job literally keeps me busy from 7am when I get into the office, till 4:00pm when I leave.  While sometimes I want to tap out and follow Anna Nicole Smith's rout (minus the weird clown make up and dying from drugs), I have enough memories of jobs where I literally had nothing to do other than refresh my page for new stories.  When I found this little gem today (when I got home of course, because I have no time during work), it brought so many fond / loathful memories back.

Thank's for this awesome collection.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The Reality Gem That Will Never Be...

Seattle has finally been blessed with a positive sports moment.  One that doesn't include almost making it to the World Series or refs who wore black and yellow stripes as they officiated the Super Bowl.  No, finally we have something tangible that we can point at to prove that Seattle is, in fact, a sports city.  The event I am talking about, of course, is when the Seahawks signed Terrell Owens. 

I am now just waiting to hear the news that Chad Ocho Cinco will be starting for the Seahawks in the next preseason game.  It's been quite a month for some of the two biggest renobs in the NFL.  While Chad did something pretty disgusting by head butting his wife (btw, who head butts someone?), I am deeply saddened that we will never see the VH1 reality series that was suppose to air in September.  Now I must simply imagine the amazing gems that would have come from his mouth.  I am sure this is how people felt when Shakespeare died.  What gifts were still to come?  What world changing words could have been?

As we miss cope with this truth, I have compiled a few of Chad Ocho Cinco's quotes mixed in with some quotes from Tracy Jordan, from 30 Rock.  Can you tell who said what?  One is a ridiculous ex-NFL douche and the other is a fictional uneducated, narcissistic character on comedic series.  

(1) “On the highway, I hit a deer. I kept him. He's at home in the garage on the rafters. I'm going to use him for the celebration this weekend. He's a prop.”

(2) “I love this cornbread so much, I wanna to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.”

(3) “I gotta show em' how to eat right man, that's all...I got all five food groups. Pancakes, sausage-egg McMuffin, cinnamon roll, large orange juice... I just be juiced all day.”

(4) “Did they say when the banquet is?  Because I'm kind of between tuxes due to weight fluctuation.”

(5) “Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays?  I'll tell you why:  It's because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.”

(6) "Nothing's Changed.  I just need everybody to trust in me like birth control.  You know, because I'm always going to be there for you 99.9% of the time."

(7) "Being here, man, it's like watching porn.  There's nothing bad about it at all."

Tracy Jordan: 2, 4, 5, 7
(8) "If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college."
Ocho Cinco: 1, 3, 6, 7

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Olympics Won't Stop Taunting Me.

There are few things in this world I love and loath as much as the Olympics.  Of course it’s exciting to wake up to AP Mobile text messages detailing America’s latest domination (thanks a lot NBC), but the joy is quickly shot down as I walk the 3 story staircase at my work to only find myself huffing out a lung as if I just climbed Everest.  These people are freaks.  The only way I can get through my day without realizing that I have completely wasted all of my (imagined) athletic ability is to tell myself that, yes, being 16 years old and driving my jetta to Taco Bell then rewatching each episode of Laguna beach every single day was, in fact, way more rewarding than training and perfecting any skill.

Oh hey Alex, what about the millions of dollars of endorsements the athletes receive after the games?   Whatevs.  My nanny job in college was way more awesome.  

These are simply the thoughts that get me through the morning.  My next obstacle comes at lunch when I have to decide if walking down those three flights are worth the exhausting effort it takes to walk back up them.  Nope, this bag of Pirates Booty will have to suffice.  The winter Olympics bring a whole new level of inner negotiation as my laziness factor grows exponentially.  What are these people doing skiing down those hills?  Don’t they know they could just sit inside eating as if they were planning on sleeping all winter?  My patience won’t even allow me to divulge this thought.

Until 2014.

And now, my absolutely favorite GIF to come out of the 2012 Summer Olympic Games: US Women's Gymnastics Team as Mean Girls.